Resentment is a feeling rooted in early childhood. If we look at the situation of the development of a small child in an attentive manner, then we can see that the child is heavily dependent on their parents. They cannot make decisions independently and satisfy their needs. In a situation of frustration, when the interests and desires of the parents and the child diverge, the child finds themselves in a dependent situation where they are forced to obey and at the same time, feel their helplessness and resentment. Frustrations are extremely necessary since they serve the development of the child, but the parents must help the kids overcome them, explain to them why they refuse them something, accept their feelings of anger, discontent and talk to them about it. If the frustrations are excessively harsh, and the parents forbid the child to express their feelings, show aggression, then the child develops such a character trait as resentment. Unable to express their aggression and dissatisfaction with the parents they depend on and who they are probably afraid of, the child begins to feel helpless, desperate and forced to launch aggression directed against the situation, turning it into an insult. In the absence of support and empathy, a component of self-pity is added.

resentment in a relationship

Resentment in a Relationship: Where Does It Come From?

Although the essence of resentment may seem as simple as, “I'm angry with you because you forget to throw garbage all the time,” the resentment psychology in a relationship is more complicated than it might seem at first glance. To feel offended is not just to dislike or consider someone annoying; this feeling associated with the repetition of patterns caused by unresolved problems. Yes, I know, it sounds complicated, but in fact, it is a fairly simple concept if you put it on the shelves. And it’s better to spend time sorting it out because resentment towards a partner (even if you don’t understand how you feel it) is not the best news for your love life. However, there is good news: your relationship is not doomed to die if you realize that you have recently felt offended; you can pay attention to it and deal with this feeling.

Resentment in a relationship can appear not only because of some specific details of everyday worries that you experience, and it is often associated with gender roles and inequality. For example, the famous (and frustrating) study of 2013 showed that heterosexual men feel subconscious anxiety and resentment when women with whom they are in a relationship succeed, even if it suits them on a conscious level. Researchers believe that anxiety may be due to society-programmed ideas about the male role in the family and relationships, even if the man is a convinced feminist. Although the burden of self-sacrifice in balancing relationships and work no longer rests solely with women, a 2015 study showed that in a culture, women's expectations for housework and child care are still high, which may explain the source of resentment in relationships. However, we will see that couples can be offended by almost anything.

How can you understand that you are angry with your partner when you do not pierce a voodoo doll with their name every night? The psychological signals of resentment in a relationship can help here. If you are constantly offended by the same reason, without understanding this, there is a good chance that a lot of grievances have accumulated. Read on to understand if you are familiar with at least one of the signals below, find out how to work with them, and forgive the offense.

You can't forget the grudges

The idea of resentment in psychology is not a separate feeling, it is rather a process of savoring a certain emotion, which does not allow us to somehow solve the problem. A clinical social worker Mark Sichel came up with one of the clearest definitions of the essence of resentment in Psychology Today. “Resentment is a mental process of repeated reproduction of feelings and events that led to it like anger and incite. "We are not losing anew the list of cold facts, we are re-living them, which destructively affects us in the emotional, psychological, and spiritual spheres."

Repeated anger is a key pattern of resentment, so a constant return to annoying or frustrating memories is a sure sign of resentment in a relationship. If you constantly return to certain specific events (for example, when you quit your job to move to a partner's city or when they forget about your birthday), you feel insulted.

Resentment is often associated with regret, a feeling of anger, or suffering in response to the belief that something extremely important has not been done. If your regrets are associated with the actions you made for the sake of relationships (for example, “Why didn’t I agree to this work in the Antarctic, when I had a chance?”), then most likely these regrets are the root of your resentment.when love turns to resentment

If you don't see any resolution to your problem, and you feel a lot of pressure on yourself, then you should not waste your time with a partner that brings you pain. If taking a break in a relationship is no longer an option, there is a lot of resentment in a relationship, you should meet girl now and start a new relationship, hopefully, a more fruitful one.

There is the hidden connotation in your conversations

What is resentment in a relationship? The psychological essence of resentment in a relationship is that it is not expressed, but it is well hidden and difficult to perceive. Dr. Peter Ladd says that resentment is actually a sort of "civilized anger" like passive aggression, and it hides the power of negative emotions instead of showing them openly.

He also argues that resentment uses withdrawal as a conflict resolution strategy. Conflict resolution strategies are an attempt to describe the response of people to a dispute, as with colleagues, as with partners. There are four different styles of conflict resolution: rivalry, cooperation, compromise, care. People using the latter are usually passive, unprepared for confrontation, and often dodge or try to avoid resolving the issue. If this description looks like your way of resolving relationship problems, resentment can get into them very quickly. Ladd explains that if both partners seek to avoid conflict in your relationship, your usual conversations on neutral topics can be full of resentment. “This allows offended men and offended women to release frustration and anger without officially talking about the existence of a problem.”

You cannot change your patterns

What causes resentment in a relationship? Feelings of guilt and resentment often go hand in hand. Imagine, for example, that one spouse earns more than another. This leads to the fact that the recipient feels less resentment, and the recipient feels more guilt. Psychologists call it, “A dance between resentment and guilt” and say that this is not the only characteristic of romantic relationships but a common thing among people who take care of relatives or children.

Ladd adds that the “guilt-resentment” interaction can be strengthened in a relationship. He gives an example of a couple with an unreliable and reliable partner when one person is responsible, while the other is extremely frivolous. “The guilt of an unreliable partner can begin to feed on the insult of a reliable partner, and the insult of a reliable partner can be amplified by the guilt of an unreliable partner.” This is a vicious circle in which you can argue about the same thing again and again (and again).

Main Reasons Why Resentment Arises Between Partners

Resentment never arises from scratch. They appear quite consciously. This is the result of our thought process. And we simply come up with some insults to ourselves. We live with them for years, spoiling life not only for oneself but also for others.

We are often offended when it seems that we have not been given enough attention, respect, and trust. To begin with, we determine the amount of all this, but we do not bother to say it out loud.

We think that this should be so, which means that the person from whom we demand and expect this, must understand what and to what extent we want.

If you are confident and know for sure that those around you can read minds, foresee desires and see the future, then, of course, you do not need to strain and talk about your needs and desires. Otherwise, if you are surrounded by people without all these superpowers, they should understand what you would like to receive from them.

In fact, each of us has our own needs. And what is good and necessary for one can be unimportant for others. This should always be remembered. What you cannot imagine your life without can seem trifle and nonsense to another. And they can live their whole life without noticing its absence.what causes resentment in a relationship

Are you not given enough attention? They are not interested in your mood, health, life? But do you show interest in others? After all, what you give is what you receive.

Sincere interest in others generates interest in you. Watch yourself. How do you behave towards others? Do you pay enough attention to others? Are you interested in how your loved one's day went? Do you notice and speak out loud about the same new hairstyle or blouse of a friend/partner/colleague?

If constant inattention on the part of your partner causes resentment - why not just talk about it without reproaches, scandals, and disagreements? It's better to calmly talk about your feelings and what you really want, and not wait in an offended state until your partner will figure it out by themselves. Explain how pleasant it is when your partner pays attention to you. At the same time, clearly state what exactly you mean, and what kind of attention is important to you.

Many women complain that they are not given enough respect - men neither listen to their opinion nor value advice nor do as they said. In this case, a woman needs to decide - she just gives advice and expresses her opinion or gives an order about what and how to do it? Are you an adviser or a dictator? Think about it.

Trust is a special topic. If you think that you are not trusted as much as you would like, it is worth considering why this is happening. How do you usually react to candid stories? How do you feel about the plans and dreams of others? Criticize and smash to smithereens? Are you making fun and joking about this subject? Talking with others and sharing the secrets of those who told you about the most secret? Gossiping?

Distrust is caused by people who do not know how to keep their mouths shut, are generous with critical and venomous remarks, who are strongly and meticulously experiencing and chewing, who want to control the smallest details, asking non-tactful questions. They do not trust you - look at your behavior from the outside - what is wrong with you? How would you like a person you trust to act? And instead of being offended, learn to do the same.

Resentment often arises from the inability to listen and hear others, from the unwillingness to talk about their needs. And this is very important in any relationship: with a loved one, relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues. If you don’t listen to the others carefully, you can draw the wrong conclusions and even be offended.

And only someday when clarifying the relationship, it turns out that the person had in mind a completely different. Then the situation may look ridiculous, but the nerves are already ruined, and the relationship is not the same. It is important to be able to listen carefully to others. Hear what they are talking about. If something seemed incomprehensible or ambiguous, ask again. So, you can avoid more than one resentment and maintain a relationship.

If you are busy with something at the time of an important conversation, ask to postpone the conversation to a more convenient time. Do not assent or just nod, turning a deaf ear to what is told to you.

Perhaps you were informed at that moment something important, but you just did not hear. And this can be a reason for resentment as well because you decide that they have hidden something or did not say something. The same applies to your needs and desires. If you did not say it out loud, then why did you decide that others should know this? Go through your grievances - how many of them appear because you did not get what you needed?

How to Solve a Problem with Resentment in a Relationship

What to do when love turns to resentment? Untimely expressed grievances will serve as a reason for future conflicts. Sooner or later, the abscess will burst. A consolation is that if we suddenly fall under the power of our negative emotions and unspoken grievances, we can quickly get rid of them. And conflicts help us with this. It is only important to observe safety measures during their carrying out. How to do it?

No accusations and complaints

When resentment builds in a relationship, there are a lot of negative emotions that start to twist you and your life in the ways you wouldn’t want to. But how to deal with resentment in a relationship? Let them write a chapter in your book of life, but nobody takes away the opportunity to continue the story of your life and end it with a happy end. Nobody is to blame for the fact that you have accumulated in the emotional memory things you don't need. Remember: only 10% of your condition is related to the situation, the rest is your attitude to it. If you still want to find the one guilty of your misfortunes, go to the mirror and get to know them. This rule applies not only to past offenders but also to the present and future.what is resentment in a relationship

Take time off

How to fix resentment in a marriage? Take time off. At least an hour. Ideally around 24 hours. To cope with the surging negativity, you need, first of all, to distance yourself from the object of your aggression. Physically distance yourself: go to another room or go out. Alone with yourself, try to get to the bottom of your emotions. Do not drive them away, do not try to force them out of your mind. The suppressed emotion does not disappear anywhere, it will go to the back of your emotional memory and, in a similar situation, will again make itself felt. Watch the emotions, treat them like guests in your home: you accept them, and calmly let them go. This is called being aware.

How to manage your anger and resentment in marriage? Manage your emotions, ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this? What triggers this feeling in me? Is this a situation or did my attitude to the

Does the situation trigger a flash of anger in me? Does the partner relate to my reaction? What price will I have to pay if I keep silent about my emotions now and ignore this situation? What price will I have to pay if I openly express all my emotions?" No one can offend you without your consent.

Reacting to an event is half of the job

Here’s a thing about overcoming resentment in marriage. You and only you decide what to do. In any life situation only you decide what to feel, think, and do. Do not try to justify your actions and decisions by the behavior of another person. It would seem that everything is simple, but no. “I feel bad because of you. You are to blame for my mood” - this is how most conflicts begin. But our reaction is a free choice.

How to Avoid Resentments in the Future

How to avoid resentment in the future so that your relationship will not suffer in the future.

Tell me about your feelings

If having freed yourself from your projections, past grievances, and having paused, you have something to say to your partner about your feelings. "If you have something to say, tell me. Do not look at it as a conflict." What you want to see, you will see.

Warn your partner that you do not want to blame them or hurt their feelings. You just want to say what YOU feel in connection with the current situation. Tell us why you feel this so that your words are not perceived as claims and excessive emotionality. And be sure to tell me what you want for the future and why it is important to you.

At this point, it is important to remind yourself why you are a part of this relationship in the first place

Most likely, you wanted to care, love, mutual respect. Keeping this in mind, you will try to tell about your feelings without claims and direct accusations. Attacking with a saber, it is unlikely to be able to get everything that you want from a relationship. Most likely, your attack will meet no less emotional resistance. Being in a relationship, we are driven into the power of our own beliefs, requirements, projections, rules, who and what should do, completely forgetting about the Person who is in front of us, but who we do not see at point-blank range.

We put the stamps “husband,” “wife” and endow them with a list of responsibilities and character traits. We look at each other and, apart from our stamp, we see nothing.

Expressing your feelings, learn to look not at the stamping but a unique person, with their inner world, childhood memories, beliefs, and injuries. Before you are not a "husband" or a "wife," there is a unique person in front of you. Recognize that there is no alike person in the whole world.

But there is good news: no matter what you take offense - cruel comment, high salary, inequality in housework, lack of sexual interest, or something else - this problem can be solved. Dr. Stephen Stosney of Psychology Today says that the most important thing for a couple is to start talking about it to replace resentment with empathy, important elements of a good relationship. If you can’t do it yourself, there is nothing shameful in family psychological counseling. Relationships filled with resentment do not heal themselves, but if you are ready to work on it, the prognosis is very good.

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