Managing another person is convenient, attractive, and profitable. For many couples or family systems, hidden "control" becomes the primary communication style. Of course, it is elementary to overdo it, and you can transform your striving for power into a co-dependent relationship.
On your way to regain power in a relationship, you should be careful and gentle. We will tell you how to take control of your relationship unnoticed for the partner and without pain for both.
What Does It Mean to Take Control in a Relationship?
When your self-esteem declines, it becomes unsafe to be vulnerable and honest in a relationship. To feel less vulnerable, a person tries to assert their authority over a partner, and that process is natural. The most forbidden methods can be used: a derogatory language, merciless sarcasm, mocking the tone of voice, or restrictive measures.
In addition to lowering self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, the struggle for who is in charge of the relationship adds fuel to the fire. And all because of the following moments.
- Being powerful means stimulating you and your partner for development.
- When you lose control, you condemn or hide your emotions, which is unhealthy.
- When there isn't one main leader in a couple, the chaos reigns, and everything goes to mess.
You should be responsible for the development of your connection, for instance, when a relationship is moving too fast. If you gain power in a relationship, you will have to violate some principles of emotional interaction and take pragmatic things into account. But this sober approach guarantees you the stable base for the relationship. Many people falling in love, amuse themselves with fantasies about how perfect their partner is, and they do not plan to control them or make their significant others suffer. At some point in life, you just cannot move further together.
People fall in love with dreams of feeling their own worth in a relationship, loving, and being loved. Nevertheless, the most significant misunderstandings in love relationships arise when power becomes a substitute for significance. But as a result, you get anything (unconditional submission of the partner or their desperate resistance), but not a sense of your own value. You cannot make a single girl online appreciate you through manipulation, persuasion, threat, or moralizing. And you cannot feel appreciated when trying to subdue your loved ones. But taking power and control in relationships is not only about that. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the comfort of one of you for the sake of the collective future.
Reasons Why You Lose Power in a Relationship
To know how to regain control in a relationship, you should first learn the root of the problem and fight the main reason you have become so weak. When you eliminate the primary evil, you will feel amazing and give your partner a sense of stability too. When both of you have energy and inspiration for personal growth, you become better versions of yourself and invest more in your relationship.
Your relationship has transformed into a partnership
The fact that dysfunction exists in our relationship (love, family, etc.) is a clear symptom of the fact that you allowed your love to flow on its own and develop on the rate you did not pay attention to. Any relationship is a partnership, a union, not a game or competition, where there are a winner and a loser. But when it becomes its main feature, you do not care about what your partner does or thinks. When interaction in relationships loses a struggle for power, finding out who is right and who is wrong, there are never winners, only losers. We build tall fortified walls around our dependence. Then, as soon as we meet a person who will give us what we want to receive and what we unconsciously expect (humiliation, betrayal, loneliness), we gladly invite them into our life. We do not know how to get the power back in a relationship and begin to drift away. A little competitive spirit is always useful for the relationship. Otherwise, you stop paying attention to each other.
Assault is the best defense
In most relationships, where people have been together for several years, they have already created their own Mannerheim Line. A kind of defensive fortification around painful emotional scars. As soon as it seems to them that the partner has somehow expressed a desire to "attack," they are ready to use heavy artillery to protect the sacred borders. To do this, it is not necessary to wait until the opponent says something. They already "know everything in advance," and in their head, the answer is already ready. The battle begins, and neither side actually listens or wants to hear what the other is saying. When you relax and stop controlling your partner, they may attack first and get you at a loss. Opponents pull out their lists of past grievances to defend their point of view and demonstrate how "terribly" the partner treated them. The purpose of the battle is to prove their innocence while blaming the other for all their troubles and misfortunes.
Protection model
When your partner becomes too used to the tricks you apply, they stop working. Your partner already knows any of the scenarios you may use and predict your actions in advance. What happens next? They protect themselves even before you start to attack. Those mechanisms are designed to protect the person from the shame of exposing and putting on public display of how miserable they are and, therefore, not worthy of love. And it doesn't matter if that is true. Now you may wonder how to gain power in a relationship with your woman because you have once lost it, you were weak, and she exposed your plans.
You have lost authority
In a co-dependent society, the only way to have a reasonable opinion of yourself is to look down on someone else. For most people, being confident equals being "right." Your partner is no longer scared of you because they do not believe in your superiority. You have lost your job, but money was the only means you used to manipulate. You were threatening to reveal their secret, but they told about it themselves. You were dedicating all your time to starting a new business, but it falls through, and your partner doesn't recognize the former authoritative and respectful big boss in you. How to get your power back in a relationship? Grow more significant and more critical, outshine your last achievements and prove that you are worth your former prominence.
They blame you, not themselves
As soon as it seems to us that someone is condemning us (this may be the intonation of the interlocutor's voice, an accidentally cast sideways glance, or merely eloquent silence), we feel attacked. And when someone tells us something that can be interpreted as criticism, disapproval of our behavior or disagreement with our opinion, there are only two possible options: either I am wrong or the other one, but someone is definitely wrong! Either the opponent is right, and in this case, we are stupid losers, as the stern parental voice tells us in our heads, or we are right. If the person acts according to the second scenario, you cannot dominate them because they think you are stupid and that your reproaches do not make sense. It is hard to manipulate a strong and confident person.
Signs You Need to Regain Power in a Relationship
The dominant one smoothly goes into conflict and always puts their decisions above the decisions of the partner. On the contrary, the dominant partner often goes to reconciliation because they live in fear of losing their partner. There are only two roles in relationships; you may exchange them but cannot perform the same role simultaneously. It means that if you obey your partner, they will suppress you, but you do not want this to happen. Here are other signs you should urgently learn how to take control of a relationship back.
You fall for all their whims
Men who always make concessions and do not know how to be in control in a relationship are afraid of conflicts, so they do not limit the woman's desires. They automatically give her the full power to manage their relationship. In these relationships, a woman dominates. But a woman does not need power; she doesn't want it even when she is fighting for it. And having received it, she calms down, but she doesn't know what to do with it.
You become dependent on the partner
The one who invests more in this relationship is more dependent on the relationship. When you spend so many emotional and physical resources on a person, they become more valuable and needed to you. After all, you invested a lot of energy in them. We always appreciate what is difficult for us to get, and practically do not appreciate what we get for nothing. If a person does a lot for relationships, forgetting about their desires, then this person thereby lowers their significance and dramatically increases the significance of relationships and their partner.
The partner manipulates you and threatens to leave
If the woman puts pressure on you and says she will break up with you, you have lost authority in her eyes. Because if she feared to lose you and knew that you are too proud to tolerate those tantrums, she would never act like this. Men who allow such manipulations make a severe mistake. It means you have lost your power and put it in your partner's hands — now she decides to stay with you or leave. By obeying such behavior, you give the other one an opportunity to dominate and automatically lose your value. And if they also begin to ask for back or beat for pity, then they lose respect. When you put up with these dirty tricks, you show that you will endure whatever they impose on you. It is better to make a decision yourself, leave first or solve the situation differently, take the pressure, and insist on your own.
You both get too carried away by emotions
Women live in a world of feelings, senses, and are often driven by them. Their sensory perception of the world can cloud the mind, which is why their decisions are not always correct. Decisions made under the influence of emotions can be destructive; their consequences are irreversible. This does not make them worse. It's just that the brains of men and women are arranged differently, and they function differently. A man should take control in a relationship, make choices based on logic and sober reason, and be colder in decision-making about his emotional girlfriend.
The love of your partner for you is fading
This is especially true for men. They should be more reliable than their girlfriends because women disapprove of weak men. Subconsciously, the girl wants to be under the power of a man and be weak; however, you should consider her opinion without stepping back. If you do not show your power in the relationship, the girl will quickly lose interest. After all, love cannot exist without respect, while the man who does not stand up for his views, is a weak person who deserves no respect. Then, the first person who puts the woman in her place will become a god in her eyes. She will worship them and forget about you.
You have too many unnecessary disputes
When you become a leader and unquestioned authority in your partner's eyes, you will not have any disputes regarding your decisions. There will be no conflicts. Of course, you should take into account the opinion of your other half and not be the tyrant who spits on their views. But the last word is always yours. If your decisions ceased to be a priori valid and correct, you lost your power in the eyes of the partner. Because the superior position will exclude abuse, a partner will not bother you with unnecessary questions that complicate the life of both of you. Most importantly, the endless struggle for leadership will end because why argue when all the problems can be solved for you?
How to Take Back Your Power in a Relationship
You have found out what can be the reasons for losing your power and what signs show the switching of roles. If this state of things doesn’t please you, do something about it. Here is a couple of tips on how to take back your power in a relationship.
Be confident
If you want to be a leader in a relationship, become a leader in everything. In love, everything is just like in business. You should be respectful and show off who is the strongest to stay exciting and attractive. Find your place in life, so that confidence comes to you from all areas of life. Remember that money is not always the main thing which helps gain confidence and power, but a wealthy person is much more confident than someone who did not succeed in their career. It is essential to demonstrate confidence in everything to have the last word.
Be independent
What does it mean? We have already talked about the material side of the issue, but this is not the only indicator. You need to show your independence by demonstrating your skills in every aspect of life. Show your significant other that you will not suffer without them.
Make decisions
How to take control in a relationship? Be responsible for your actions, and let your choice be the final point in any issue. Whether it concerns you or is not so important, you should make the decisions, and even if they entail negative consequences, you should carry these results. Influential people do this and those who follow them, feel comfortable.
Start with little things
Leadership in relationships begins with trifles. Choose a movie, choose a restaurant, choose a place to stay. Starting from this, you will teach the partner to rely on your decisions, and then you can switch to something more, such as moving or even acquiring real estate.
Watch their behavior
Learn to predict actions, learn the logic of human behavior. Start with reactions: before each action, think about how a person will react. At first, you will make mistakes and seem weird, but over time, you will begin to predict reactions and actions more accurately.
Control their manipulations
There are only two scenarios — the person tries you out or straight manipulates. The first option means that they check whether you still love them—play along with the partner. Show your best side, after that you will definitely receive rewards and become the main thing in your relationship if you follow the rest of the rules, of course. The second option is terrible. It means that your significant other see your weak points and tries to press on these buttons.
Be purposeful
This is the essential quality for a reliable person. Your partner should never feel that you do not know where you are going in life or feel at a loss when making a decision. Leaders do not doubt their actions; they just do what they want and cope with the consequences. Show your beloved that you control your life. Then they will trust you with control over the relationships.
Wait for the better moment to act
Keep track of the mood of your partner and other people as you train to be convincing. If a partner is busy, going over some troubles, or does not pay enough attention to you, it will be more challenging to control them. They will simply not notice your deeds and will not understand what you want from them.
Build your own boundaries
By manipulating a person, you run the risk of not taking into account something, ruining, and losing the game at any time. The result is either a big scandal with subsequent suspicion of your every action or a breakup.
Do not lose yourself
You start a big game, and there is a high risk of forgetting what all this was for. Obtaining power is not an end in itself. This is a tool to get something you want. Identify this desire immediately, and do not forget about it in the process. If you notice that the game is no longer worth the results, do not postpone changes: either you need another person or a different strategy.
Be sensitive
A situation may arise when you do not know what to do if a person likes to dominate too. In this case, you will either have to turn the situation in your favor, adjust, or find another person. You risk not coping with it, and it can be dangerous. If you see that they want to play big and respectful, let them feel this imaginary power and then take over the steering wheel again.
Do not manipulation the essence of the whole process of regaining control. They are just the necessary evil you should apply to make everything better. With apparent subordination, distribution of roles, and areas of responsibility, one of the partners' control can be a pleasant thing.
In close relationships, we face hidden management every day. It is sometimes so virtuoso and straightforward in execution that few can determine what it is, and it's often difficult to understand when the partner manipulates. There may be many reasons why you want to be the leader in a relationship. But this is only your goal, and you should go for it if you are ready.
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