Most men are sure that the reason for a breakup is a wrong choice of a partner. It is very convenient to think, "It's not my fault, it's just she's a vixen." However, you can easily find yourself in the trap of this "convenience," when the third, fifth, twenty-fifth relationship will break up, you risk discovering that all women are vixens. And then you will have only two ways out, you will either become a confirmed bachelor or you will move to an uninhabited island. If you do not want to become either a bachelor or a hermit, then you will have to think, "What am I doing wrong?" and then, perhaps, it turns out that you really do something wrong.

For example, you decide to smooth things over with your partner, but immediately after a conciliatory dinner, you raise a scandal because of unwashed dishes. Or you want a promotion, but you are playing solitaire instead of preparing the project. Self-sabotage is any action that is directed against yourself. Why are you turning into an enemy who is engaged in subversive activities on your own territory?

men sabotage relationships

Why do guys sabotage relationships? Let's be honest.

There are so many reasons for self-sabotage behavior in relationships. Often, they are related to inner problems that are deeply rooted in the past.

1. You don’t have the confidence. Anxiety and jealousy are the permanent companions of people who are unsure of themselves. This is one of the main reasons why men sabotage relationships. This anxiety makes you demand constant confirmation of love and devotion from the partner. At first, the partner gives what you want because she loves you, appreciates and wants to build a healthy relationship. However, soon, it turns out that this hunger is insatiable, the more she "feeds" your worm of jealousy and anxiety, the more it grows and wants to eat. Gradually, the partner gets tired because to feed someone else's monster is a tiring process. After all, she may leave you.

2. You want to control everything. First, your control can be taken for care. However, over time, the price becomes obvious. All decisions in the relationship are taken unilaterally, and she has to ask for permission to go with friends after work. Do you ask yourself, “Why do I sabotage my relationships?” Your need to control everything may hide the fear of being controlled. However, understanding this fact does not facilitate living with the "controller."

3. You feel the need to win the dispute at any cost. It is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with people who live according to the principle "there are only two opinions, one is mine and a second one is wrong." Even twins rarely have a complete identity of thoughts. If one of the partners is always right, then the second one has to be eternally wrong, silly and not competent. Nobody will want to live their life with a man who constantly makes a fool out of you.

4. You have the fear of intimacy. "I need you, but not so close." Of course, this fear does not occur in a vacuum. The person who is suffering from it once faced cheating on him. Once bitten, twice shy. However, it turns out that one person cheated on you, and another one is responsible for that. How long will this other person want to be punished for the sins of others?

how to stop self-sabotage in relationships5. You are an incurable pessimist. There are people who can find something terrible even in the best day. They seek to kill the good feeling. If they fail to find anything wrong because everything is perfect, they will start reflecting on the future and that very moment when something will be definitely spoiled. Bad things must happen. These people act like the Spanish flu, but they are even more fatal. All the colors of the world become only black for them. Joy is excluded. Life is mournful, sad and painful. Even if two pessimists create a couple, it is unlikely that any of them will want to be buried alive in the relationship. And if the partner is quite an ordinary person, then even after the breakup, she will not be able to get rid of the shadow of the past relationship. If you are not a pessimist, but you fell under the influence of such a person earlier, your self-sabotage can be a residue from the past.

6. You feel the need to be in the spotlight at any cost. On the one hand, it is not the fatal mistake in the relationship. On the other hand, if the need is great, you want its immediate satisfaction. Often, it is satisfied at the expense of the partner. For example, a couple comes for a visit. The man starts telling all the moments of the relationship in which the woman looked awkward, funny or embarrassed. People are laughing. The woman is laughing too, but then the man's stories become more humiliating and bring out the worst in the woman. People are still laughing, but who wants to be in the role of a fool for a long time?

7. You want to look like a victim. "Today I will sacrifice myself for you, but tomorrow, you will give everything to me." You will hardly meet the worse aggressor than the victim who did not receive compensation. A big desire to look like a victim destroys everything, it incinerates the relationship. Men sabotage relationships subconsciously employing scorched-earth tactics.

8. You avoid any responsibility. When you ask yourself, “Why do I sabotage my relationship?” you might feel insecure. You try to avoid responsibility, undermining confidence with the phrase, "I didn't make you any promises." In this case, your partner has to bear the full responsibility for the relationship in the couple. However, if a woman refuses to do that, there is another question, “Can a couple in which no one is responsible for the relationship exist for a long time?”

How to stop self-sabotaging your relationships?

To stop self-sabotage in relationships is not an easy way. It demands much time for self-awareness to find out what's causing that. You have to change yourself and improve to solve the issue that is the main cause. Don't perceive it only as a challenge, it is effective decision-making. You will learn yourself better and if you succeed, you will be able to savor a healthy and stable relationship.

1. Think about your conduct. The clue to coping with self-sabotage is to determine the cause. You should take a break for a while and think about your own conduct. You don’t need to be judgmental, you should look at your conduct to find out the root of the problem. Try to look at yourself as if from the side, note the triggers for that behavior and your reaction. Are you able to find a regularity? Think about your past relationships, search for problems in it and reasons for such behavior pattern. Take a notebook and write down all the moments that played the role of a trigger. You should try to understand yourself.

2. Stop searching for an ideal partner. You can spend all your life in search of perfection, but you will just waste your time. Every woman is unique, but she is not perfect. Such a search can bring only disappointment.

One common reason for self-sabotage behavior in relationships is your unwillingness to accept a woman’s shortcomings. Subconsciously you have already decided that you can't cope with such imperfection, and that’s why you self-sabotage relationships. The great challenge is that you find some shortcomings and oddities all the time. You might have already missed a chance to become happy just because you are not ready to accept her as she is, you are not ready to be a partner of a girl who is far from your imagined perfection. Don’t look only at the dark side, look at her advantages and try to accept the girl as a personality with her little weaknesses.

stop self sabotage in relationships 3. Deal with your insecurity. When you cross an invisible line in your head that divides your relationship into two parts, and the girl becomes more than just a pretty face for dating, you feel great fear. You start reflecting on your drawbacks, her advantages, and your chances to hold on to her. You fear that she can find someone better, smarter, richer and you become alone. Your fear is one of the reasons for your outbursts of anger. You cannot already imagine your life without this girl, so you try to control her life and eliminate all the possibilities to leave you. You have ceased to enjoy your relationship, your fear and imagination replace happiness and joy of being her partner.

She feels your insecurity, experiencing the tense situation. If you continue to behave in such a way, you will increase your chances for a breakup. Be sure you cope with your lack of confidence.

4. Don’t be afraid to lose independence. Many men are obsessed with the goal to keep independence at all costs. Do you afraid that your close relationship with a girl can become a reason for losing your private life, hobbies, and pleasures? These thoughts make you edgy from time to time because you don’t want to lose or neglect some important things. You don’t tell the girl about your fears, you just start sabotaging your relationship for no visible reasons. Do you believe that a relationship is something like a prison where all pleasures and toys are forbidden?

You build your relationship as you like, creating your own rules. You don't have to stop being independent if you don't want that. If your biggest concern is that you will not be able to have sex with other women, you can search for a girl who will not be against your one-night stands. The truth is that this fear of inability to safeguard your independence is a cliché that can have nothing in common with your reality.

5. Face the probability of a partial loss of control. Building a relationship, you open your heart to the partner who can lie to you, cheat on you, break up with you and unlock the secrets.

You lose control over your life, and you voluntarily hand over it to another person. You worry about the future more than about the present. You are scared by an emotional connection between you and by your own deep feelings. The only thought of a woman having some power over you makes you sabotage. However, this is a natural part of any relationship, and you should find a way to overcome your fears. How to stop self-sabotage in relationships? You should learn to become hurtable. This will allow you to grow as a couple, to strengthen your connection and reduce the number of unpleasant moments. Life is full of things where other people can have some control over your life. For example, your job brings many different possibilities and advantages, but there is always a probability of being fired almost for no reason. A woman can always make you suffer, but it will not necessarily be so.

It's not easy to change yourself

You should leave your past in the past for the indefinite future. Therefore, it seems to many people that it is easier to change a partner. However, when it is not easy to change yourself, it is impossible to change another person. Set real goals and then, perhaps, a warm, strong and reliable relationship will also become your reality.
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