Quarrels are a nasty thing especially because they tend to grow and multiply at an incredible speed, poisoning relationships. Bickering couples know the feeling when a dispute that has started over dirty dishes transform into such a violent debate scene that it seems there will be no way going back to reconciliation. How often the partners take offense at each other and do not talk for a long time not because of the very subject of the quarrel, but because of what was said in the process. But bickering in a relationship always starts over trifles. Let's think about how to avoid these unpleasant trifles and save the happiness inside the couple.
Why Does Constant Bickering Arise in a Relationship?
Many people think that the best way to maintain a good relationship is to never quarrel. But this is a controversial position. If you constantly agree with the opinions of others and suppress your own, sooner or later it will lead either to a nervous breakdown, akin to an exploding bomb or to nervous exhaustion. This is a common scenario.
It’s much better not to inflate the conflict, dispute responsively and discuss different points of view without aggravating the situation and taking the matter to the extreme. Because one day you stay silent about something minor, and when you catch your man staring at the single women photo, this will end to the apocalypse. In addition, we have been told since childhood that nerve cells are not restored, and all human diseases are the consequences of nervous exhaustion and constant stress. So since quarrels cannot be avoided, and you don’t want to spoil relations, the best way out in this situation is to learn to quarrel correctly or realize the core of your arguing. What does bickering mean in a couple? The reason may be in the characters and temperaments of partners. If both of them are strong leaders always wanting to prove their opinion, to show they control any business, quarrels over minor things cannot be avoided.
However, oddly enough, such an alliance can be very strong when both partners really appreciate the strength, brightness, and individuality of each other and enjoy the wild splash of emotions they feel in a relationship. As a rule, constant bickering lets the vivid negative emotions out, which offers a great relief, and then the same vivid positive emotions are experienced together. This makes people closer, provides a rush of adrenaline and guarantees an emotional rollercoaster that toxic people strive for.
But there are other situations when behind a small quarrel, a deep discontent hidden inside for long lies. For example, partners go on holiday and arguing over small things like the tip to give a waiter becomes a ground for a real discussion of life values and future plans. In such cases, minor quarrels are symptoms of more serious problems that need to be dealt with. Otherwise, love can be gone, and bickering in relationships will be a sign of constantly annoying each other. Because to meet woman now is not hard, and life wisdom is hidden in saving relationships in the times of hardships and finding a common language.
Main Signs of Unhealthy Bickering in Relationships
Anything can ignite a quarrel especially if people feel tensions, stress and are going through a hard period together. At such a moment, it seems that our partner doesn’t love us at all. Because if they do, would they forget to buy milk or order Hawaiian pizza when they know you hate pineapples? However, you have come to this idea yourself and determined the intentions of a person for themself. Anything can become a trigger, a situation that provokes negative emotions. And if there are too many of such things in your regular common existence, if minor misunderstanding can make your couple go from 0 to 100 really quickly, this is unhealthy.
Transferring past experience
When people bring past experiences and memories to their current family and accuse partners in what they would never make or did not even intend to do, this is a red flag. Suppose you have watched your parents curse for many years when someone comes home late from work. Therefore, now, when you come home late, you feel guilty, and when your partner does it, you can subconsciously start quarreling. Another example: your past partner was an emotionally cold person, and that was a reason for constant bickering in a relationship. Your new love does not stay silent about what dissatisfies them but immediately expresses the feelings, so it seems to you that a person is too often dissatisfied with you. That means you argue not because you want to prove your opinion or solve a problem, but because a load of past experiences pressures you to act this way.
The desire the assert oneself through quarrels
The bickering meaning lies in different things for any individual case. For some couples, disputes are driven by existential suffering, “Why is this person with me?” “Does they value me as a person?” “Can I become happier in other respects?” This happens when a person is dissatisfied with life and feels that they cannot realize themselves. The self-esteem of such people is very
vulnerable, and many actions of the second half are perceived by them as disrespectful. "He tells me not to forget to buy milk - he thinks I'm not able to figure it out on my own." "I haven’t washed the dishes - she believes that I have no more important things to do, that I am the one to do dishes." And for such people disputing over any trifle, trying to offend a partner is a sign of making them obey, show your supreme role and assert yourself in such away.
The struggle for control and freedom
Some people want to know where their partner is every second, constantly check what they do, what they think about. Any attempt to maintain privacy looks almost cheating to them. The struggle for control gives rise to conflicts over unanswered calls, delays, extra cash and independent decisions. It is especially difficult if the other half is freedom-loving and independent. People rarely even admit to themselves that they want to control a partner. Usually, this takes the form of resentment: a person does not do what I want, which means they do not love me enough. Is bickering a sign of attraction in this case? No, more like a sign of toxic jealousy.
The groundhog day
Why do couples bicker? Another reason for this may be that the quarrel develops in a vicious circle: during a dispute, people specifically provoke emotions in the partner and then do not want to deal with the consequences. They know what their action will lead to, and they don’t like these results, but they still do repeat the same scenario. And in the end, they blame the other half. Like you know that your partner is impatient and cannot stand you teaching them lessons. But you continue speaking until one of you breaks into a cry. And then you declare that the partner constantly raises their voice, and it is impossible to talk to them.
Biased selection of information
People are choosing the information that confirms their point of view and ignores what contradicts it. Paradoxically, sometimes a person may not even like the specific point of view, but the brain will cling to it because it is understandable and logical. Example: if your partner decided that you do not care enough about them, they will choose and remind you of those situations where you really acted the way as if confirming this. Other cases “do not count” or “that was a rarity, not a singularity.” Next time you notice that you misinterpret some event to gain profit in a quarrel, stop an approach the question from a human point of view.
How to Stop Bickering in Relationships
This is probably the most difficult question. Not to quarrel in a couple is an impossible task, and you should remember that disputes are not scary. The question is not how often we quarrel, but how we reach an agreement, are the decisions made by us fruitful. Surely, we may offend other people's points of view, be offended, but the question is how we put up because if we can understand what we did wrong and apologize, then this quarrel will end painlessly, and no trace will remain. But if your arguing is just a vicious circle of constant dissatisfaction, you should, of course, learn how to stop bickering and lead a happy family life.
Do not allow a complete standstill
When a couple does not have enough positive emotions or there are no emotions in it at all, negative ones are used, after all, these are also emotions that give us a rush of adrenaline. Perhaps there’s something childish in this behavior. Like when a kid shows a picture to their mother, “Look what I have drawn,” but she ignores them. So, they break a vase, and the mother immediately pays attention to them. Despite the fact that this attention is negative, it is better than indifference. Adults can act the same. When they swear, it is their way to say, "Yeah, now I realize that I mean something to you, you are at least responding." To avoid this situation, add more positive emotions to your relationships. Make each other small surprises, say compliments or plan a spontaneous journey because otherwise, you will get bored with the absence of any emotions.
Take a rest from each other
Another bickering couple's advice is to enjoy communicating with friends, work, hobbies, doing anything on your own that your partner will not interfere with. Of course, we all want to have someone to care about and who will be important to us. But the most important person in your life is you, and you do not need to get confirmation of someone’s feelings. Love yourself first and if your partner doesn’t pay ample attention to you, get busy doing other things. They will either notice your absence and reach out to you or in case the person did not notice that you do not seek their love anymore, you can go away holding your head high because they are not worth you.
Start respecting the partner and their point of view
This helps level out the apparent indifference on your part and will allow you to begin to listen to your partner. Perhaps the partner really seeks attention, and their strange behavior is just an attempt to get at least some feedback: if you brush aside the arguments or in every way demonstrate that they are not important to you, they are insignificant for you - this can terribly offend your beloved. After each quarrel, it is necessary to understand and eliminate its cause. For example, if a quarrel occurs because both of you are too lazy to wash the dishes, agree on how to share this duty and follow such an agreement. Respect the feelings of your partner, they are the reason they may provoke you. So, eliminate the reason and not try to aggravate the situation offending the partner.
Try to step into their shoes
This is a skill needed not only in relationships but also in life in general. Try to understand why the partner defends their point of view, why this point of view is important for them. Is your point of view important to you specifically on this issue? Is it always more important to win an argument or is it wiser to give in to keep both of you calm? It rarely happens that a quarrel occurs because of some critical misunderstanding or disagreement, most often some nonsense not worth a single gram of your nerves causes it. Apparently, you shouldn’t always "bend" under the partner. If you sincerely try to avoid quarrels and do everything possible to do this, and if you are a normal person, then they will adopt this tactic and follow it, especially after a couple of preventive and frank conversations. If you really put effort and initiate making up every time, but the partner doesn’t care, then ask yourself whether you are ready to tolerate this to the end of your life.
Choose tactics to round quarrels
There are different ways to go out of a quarrel and reach a more pleasant and productive environment when both partners are in an adequate state. A kind of collaboration. These options are as follows:
- Compromise is about mutual concessions;
- Adaptation is about smoothing a quarrel to the detriment of one's interests;
- Ignoring is when you pretend the problem did not exist and that nothing happened (it is better under the condition "this will never happen again"), a common tactic used by those to forgive cheating;
- Mediation is a call to the assistance of a third party who can objectively assess the situation.
Remember that it is in the interests of both partners to maintain harmonious relationships so that you complement each other, and disputes are a way to discuss problems, not each other.
Tips to Turn Unhealthy Quarrels into Healthy Arguing
It is important for those who value relationships and strive to preserve them neither to stay silent nor be scared of quarrels. They are necessary to learn something about yourself and the partner, they teach us to maintain self-control and not to let down to a certain point. Below we give you some recommendations that will prevent you from bickering till 2 am and say too much because words hurt more painfully than deeds or weapons, they get stuck in your head and tear a hole in your relationship for many years. Knowing how to argue properly, you can keep a healthy balance for long, and the conflicts will never seem deadends to you anymore.
Trying to sting harder in a dispute, do not touch on weak points
This is especially true for couples who live with each other for a long time and know the most vulnerable sides of each other, the darkest secrets. This does not mean that taboo is imposed on partner weaknesses. On the contrary, they must be understood, but not cherished, do not suddenly pull them out like the ace in a hole. If you neglect this rule, you can cause a person a strong psychological trauma that they will never forgive you, and if they forgive, then only to bypass the continuation of the conflict. Touching a person’s skeletons in the closet, you hurt them deeply, and if the next day you forget it, your opponent will remember the offense for life. In addition, such quarrels usually grow into a mutual exchange of such barbs and cause much assault.
Sexual bickering
A quarrel in a family can have different reasons, and sometimes the usual discontent of a partner with something you have forgotten to do can grow into offending your sexual skills and depriving them of intimate life in response. Never use sexual insults in conflicts that ridicule or exaggerate sexual flaws. After a couple of such quarrels, resentment will grow to such an extent that sex with each other will cease to be enjoyable, you will feel as if carrying out obligations or pleasing your wild instincts. In fact, a quarrel with insults to sexual subtext is the end of normal relationships between people because they cease to respect each other. On the contrary, let the sex be your safe zone, where you come back after you makeup and find a compromise
Put forward arguments
To understand how to quarrel correctly, it’s enough to understand that you need to emphasize clear arguments, not insults. Any argument starts with the dissatisfaction - the problem. So, you should both fight with it, unite to solve a problem and not offend each other. Otherwise, you will hate your spouse or the way they do some things. Of course, you still love them, but if they changed some of their habits, you would be happier. So, tell them about it and use arguments, not assaults like, “You cannot cope with anything,” “that was your fault,” “you don't listen to me.” In this case, you are letting emotions out. Such reproaches do not carry any meaning, just empty words.
What is said in the quarrel, especially if this quarrel in the family, programs the partner to the reaction of attraction or rejection to you. You provoke a new portion of negative emotions in the raging consciousness of the partner when you stay silent. The right quarrel does not carry an intention to offend, it has to help you solve problems. And you are not a problem for each other. Remember this and stop arguing over things that don’t matter. Because the only thing that does is your love. A quarrel is an art, and the one who owns it has every chance to build a full-fledged relationship.
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